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Love Me--Or ELSE!
Tuesday May 30, 2006
Quote from Dr. Schumacher on Control Freaks:
"Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be there forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality."
I found that paragraph very concise with what I have sensed in some relationships I've observed over the years--both with people around me and as portrayed by media and internet writings.
"Skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at DISTORTING REALITY."
Yes, indeedy! I've seen the blustering words, "You don't fool around with an -------" fill in the dots with whatever would most intimidate you in a bout with a control freak and you see how they push the fear button at will. Or the "I've got an attorney, and I'm going to cost you a LOT of money!" ploy. Or, "I'm having dreams that something might happen to you, and I'm the only one that can help you, but I can't if you don't let me see/talk to/whatever you. The old "Love me--or ELSE!" intimidation game.
When the intimidation doesn't work, the switch is to hearts and flowers. The "I'm sorry, BUT..." approach. The "We BOTH made a mistake". And finally, "I should have known you were 'hurting', but you just didn't give me enough ATTENTION, or SEX, or LOVE.
Distorting reality is a given. I suppose it begins in the control freak mind, where what happened in the REAL WORLD is reorganized both unconsciously and CONSCIOUSLY into a scenario that puts them into the best light. From there the compulsion is to bring the mental image to the public, using whatever tale that they think will show the victim in a bad light, and filling lines of dialogue on an internet site or e-mails, etc., etc. with story after story. And then, 'mysteriously'
those stories 'disappear'. The distortion is complete.
Possibly the control freak is off to attempt another situation, which makes it necessary that only the 'best' face must be forwarded to the public. A new trap is laid. And, according to Dr. Schumacher, some control freaks don't even realize that that is what they are doing. Worse still, that they are doomed to repeat the process over and over again, since they refuse to get help or admit that they need help.
I am sure there are different degrees of this obsession. Those that lead to the deaths of the victims, such as Laci Peterson & unborn son; the Peterson case where the control freak killed 2 women in much the same way, years apart; the double murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and the young man who got caught between a 'control freak' and a rock wall; the cases where men killed their wives and dumped them in landfills...etc. are the most extreme.
Do you know that the murder of pregnant women by their spouse or lover is among the top incidences of murder in the USA? Where else would a control freak fear he was 'losing it', more than when confronted by the potential birth of a challenge to what he perceives as his right to the full attention of his wife? What pressure is put on him as he watches the changes in her body (over which he is losing the control which he once THOUGHT he had)?
However, one would surmise that, if left unchecked, ANY amount of attempts to be all-controlling is potentially dangerous. It is a growing addiction, as bad as any drug. Schumacher says the control freak demands much more than they are willing to give. I would agree. Somewhere inside of them, IMO, is that squalling baby which has never 'grown up'. Unable to deal with their emotional needs themselves, they leech on to the emotions of another---attempting to suck out their independent life force and mold it into their own.
It is easy to say, "Poor thing, they can't help themselves." However, that only works if you are not the 'victim' of one. If you get the least clue that you may be drifting into a relationship that might be controlling--run like a rabbit. If not downright life-threatening, it will probably give you the worst time of your life.
But, above all, if you perceive that something like that is happening right before your eyes--don't be afraid to speak up! Sure, you will be berated and debated by the control freak. They will attempt to denigrate your mentality, your motivation, and your credibility. They will attempt to cover the tracks that led to your perception, so keep records, just in case 'something' happens to their victim. Please God, the victim will get out in time--but as Schumacher stated, that doesn't always stop the control freak. We'll take that up later, when we explore "Protecting the Victim".
| | Posted by Nancy at 11:46 AM - | |
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Monday May 29, 2006
More from Dr. T. Schumacher:
Some Coping Strategies
1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.
2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.
3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.
4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.
5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.
6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.
7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.
8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”
Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.
In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.
| | Posted by Nancy at 10:44 AM - | |
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More from Dr. Schumacher:
Two Types of Control Freaks
Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.
Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.
| | Posted by Nancy at 10:38 AM - | |
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Sunday May 28, 2006
by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
"Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are
those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with
you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and
when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need
to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the
conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their
needs and demands, they will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed.
Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness.
Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them"
The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak
The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with
negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless
to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize
with.
Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say,
“You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate
them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend
against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are
making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with
fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is
usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and
impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people,
they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and
helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.
Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in
prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and
sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just
about sense the tension oozing out of them.
The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.
Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion.
They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence."
| | Posted by Nancy at 4:02 PM - | |
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Saturday May 27, 2006
"Love" has many meanings, and some meanings have nothing whatever to do with "Love". We love mommy and daddy in our infancy because they are the only source of our subsistence and comfort, tending to our squall for food and comfort without hesitation. We learn that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If the relationship remains 'good', we learn to feel a closeness or love for all those who have contributed to our lives throughout the years. If it is NOT so good, sometimes things go awry in our views of 'love'.
As the years go on, we either learn to deal with the diversities and/or adversities of those we encounter in more adult ways than tears, temper tantrums and outright verbal or physical abuse--or we don't. Worse still, we don't know it when we are out of control of ourselves, while seeking to control all that is around us.
70+ years exposes one to a myriad of people and their relationships, mostly as an observer, but if we observe enough, we can begin to see a pattern unfolding in the relationships around us, as well as our own. If we are involved in a 'good' relationship ourselves, it is even easier to see those who are in trouble. If we can't, we can see it on TV or read it in the papers or hear about it over the back fence, and especially on the internet -- every single day. Those family killings, the restraining orders that go awry, the lawsuits clogging our courts, the slashed tires, the threats and constant phone calls, the broken faces, the rapes.....on and on. As we look into and read these stories, over and over again we see that "love made me do it", is the overwhelming excuse. Whether it be love for a companion, a spouse, a child, or the more sick love of the pervert, 'love' is the name of the game.
Yet, if we think about it, the 'love' that brings about all those sickening stories is nothing but a screen name for CONTROL. Whether it is someone who is out of control, or one who needs to control, the bottom line is that hurting the one you 'love' in some vindictive way, is a control freak's final way to deal with their out-of-control life.
This blog is a place to bring incidents of control through abuse and also to cite professional writings that might keep women (and men) from being the victims of such relationships. I'm not sure if you can 'cure' a control freak, but I know the best way not to become a victim of one is to recognize it when you see it and hit the highway ASAP.
We'll want to take a look at what is considered 'abuse', either physically, mentally and spiritually; what are the early warnings that you may be involved with a 'control freak'; and how we might be able to distinguish between someone who truly 'loves' us for who we are, and the controller who always needs to 'change' something--either our lifestyle, the way we look, cook, talk, walk, etc., etc, before it is too late.
We'll need to examine the streaks of abuse followed by the 'honeymoon' phase, wherein the "I'm sorry, but you made me do it, because I 'love' you so", comes in to play, over and over again.
That leads us to examine the 'needy victim', the one who buys into the honeymoon because they NEED to be loved, supported, no matter how hard it is to live waiting for the other shoe to fall, day after day. Be assured, the controller has many feet - each shod with an iron boot.
We'll be looking into legal ways to protect someone who is caught in an abusive-control relationship. Checking out the effectiveness of a restraining order, the ability to get police protection - even attention - and what can be done to stop the personal smearing of a victim on the now so-popular web sites.
So, it has begun, this search for "Who's In Control?".
Feel free to share your experiences and comments.
| | Posted by Nancy at 1:52 PM - | |
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