So, here we are just a few hours away from welcoming in a New Year, one that we all dream will be healthy, happy, peaceful and........
B ~~ O ~~ O ~~ M -- !!
Late yesterday afternoon I received several notifications that "the man people love to hate" (his own words) was at it again over on the Blog of Infamy. And even more -- that the woman who was looking for a 'truce' here just a few months ago, and vowed that she no longer would be spouting her 'professional' mouthings about who is and who is not mentally ill was back at making Macey Messes to gain attention. Now, I 'know' that I have been promoting an "ignore, delete, block" method of handling the obsessive bullies and narcissists that come into our lives---and I lived by it. However....basta. ROTFL
Over on the Blog of Infamy there is a person who is still under a restraining order - for reasons we all do not know, but obviously were enough by law to allow the order to stand - whining about how unfair it is that there are folks who have elected to block his comments and question his methods of threats and lies to place the blame for whatever went on in his private life squarely upon the woman involved.
Now obviously, this woman booted him out of her life, cleanly and squarely and has moved on---but his ego just cannot accept it. He just cannot HUSH and pray that everyone forgets what a louse he is.
And he wonders why he is "the man everyone loves to hate"???
Let us see what his UNRESOLVED Issues from 2006 are. I know, it's beating a dead horse, but he's put his hoof in his mouth---again.
Hi Miz:
i am on someone else comp.while mine is being fixed, man is this thing slow,i'll try to send you an e-mail.....
lotsa love........... Harold
by RealWorld (PM , CC ) on Saturday July 29, 2006 @ 12:46 PM
didn't track you owk, but a friend of mine been tracking you since Macey kept your stupid ass on my blog for several days asking for credentials, why do you think i was on and off the internet, what a twit....
by RealWorld (PM , CC ) on Monday October 2, 2006 @ 8:27 AM
Uhhhh, you two were mentioning something about 'stalking'? ahem Lots more where those came from---better start double checking yourselves! ROTFL
SNIP!
Thursday October 5, 2006
SNIP SNIP
STILL DOESN'T "GET IT!"
"she has stolen those words not from me, but other bloggers.. she has used comments from Macey, Trisha, and Rosie that were made here, i haven't violated any court order by having this blog, which Nancy claims i have, however the woman she defended has been in violation since Rocky Jones appeared here Apr. 8th, and again on Apr.15th,then Apr. 30th One Who Knows,this has been done on numerous occasions...
UUUHHHH--MORE "I never!", "Harold"?
"i haven't violated any court order by having this blog, which Nancy claims i have",
Want to show me where I EVER said that, "Harold"? You can have a gazillion blogs, under any one of your handles. What I SAID was "YOU ARE UNDER A COURT ORDER NOT TO MENTION, THREATEN, HARRASS, the woman personally or on the net in ANY WAY."
Next, SHOW ME what you mean about Rocky, One Who knows, or anybody else -- having done ANYTHING that "the woman she defended" (it still means your EX, "HAROLD" and is another violation of the order) would be in violation for? STILL think they are her family? HO HO HO...are YOU in for a surprise! Last I looked, "I" didn't have a court order against a Harold Johnston in TN. ROTFL (BTW that information came from YOUR blog, the day you were giving out phone #'s and Court Order "'s - WHY you'd do that is a mystery!) Remember that day, "Harold"? I bet you doooooo!
Enough for you to digest, "Harold"? So let's leave our little reminder and enough for now---K?
QUESTIONS, we've got QUESTIONS......
1.
From July post:
lastnite when i got to work i was told that a exemploy that had worked with my ex and myself HAD BEEN IN A SERIOUS ACCIDENT
this is the woman that listened to the tape with me that was left in my truck the night my ex's brother passed. we heard that tape at where i work Feb 5th, while sitting in her car. her and i were the only ones to hear it until we went to court. (that is my ex and i)
2.
"Then in September comes this": on July 21st a lady that i had worked with was BRUTALLY MURDERED "Huh? What happened to the "accident"? Another attempt at frightening the 'EX'? Darn straight!
Come on, "Harold"---give us some answers:
1. Do you DENY that you wrote those two blog messages on your blogs?
2. Do you DENY that one or the other was a "discrepancy"?
3. If so, do you have evidence that Lisa was "BRUTALLY MURDERED"?
4. If not, can you even BEGIN to deny that the use of those words was to bring intimidation and fear to your "Ex"?
Or try explaining THESE:
1. Hi Miz:
i am on someone else comp.while mine is being fixed, lotsa love........... Harold
by RealWorld (PM , CC ) on Saturday July 29, 2006 @ 12:46 PM
2. didn't track you owk, but a friend of mine been tracking you since Macey kept your stupid ass on my blog for several days asking for credentials, why do you think i was on and off the internet, what a twit....
by RealWorld (PM , CC ) on Monday October 2, 2006 @ 8:27 AM
So, tell us, "HAROLD", what WERE you doing off and on the internet then?
Not enough smoke or mirrors to hide these questions, 'HAROLD'. They will continue until you give some answers, or turn off your smoke machine. Wasn't it YOU that said I'm good at copy/paste? ROTFL
So, Mr. "I can't live without DRAMA" Harold, Arrow, Pach, Realworld, etc., etc....do you REALLY want to go around again? You realize, of course, that few people read my blog who are interested in you or Macey--and even fewer visit your hogan, so we will not be proving anything to anyone--except that you are again in defiance of your Restraining Court Order--information that will probably be of great value to the courts, sooner than you may think.
Or.... you can learn to HUSH and go push your broom somewhere else. I don't think you will really be able to handle the kind of Drama I am ready to serve up, if you read me loud and clear?
MACEY'S MESSES
Well, if you look back to CONSIDERING THE SOURCE you will get a good idea of what I'm dealing with here. Or you can check out comments from HeatherScot, fullofgrace, grannyjo, nursey, etc., etc. about the encounters with this woman who openly admits that she "Never Has Enough" of controversy. Seems like she and "Arrow" are the King & Queen of Drama (or would like to be) here on the stream.
I remember and have a complete copy of "Or Else-The Uncut Version" which the 'therapist' posted up and used as a playground to villify and 'diagnose' me as mentally incapacitated, or in her words, a crazy old crone, for several months. When I finally gave her the ultimatum to quit or I would be notifying the state boards of licensing and/or professional conduct with all that information, she made a plea for a 'truce'. I accepted and for a while, it was OK, while she lambasted the other folks mentioned above, until they adopted the "ignore, delete, block" method and killed her source of ego satisfying narcissistic exchange.
Somehow or other, though, she didn't understand exactly how serious I was about notifying authorities of her unprofessional behaviour on the internet, in addition to the verbal and mental abuse of the elderly, because she foolishly posted up more of the same on the Blog of Infamy just the other day. Not too swift, that was.
So, it appears that the mutual apologies and promises of cease and desist are down the drain. The truce is dead, the "therapist's" newest false diagnoses of my insanity are recorded and WILL be going to authorities along with her "uncut" blog, soon after the first of the year.
So it's almost Christmas, and you are dreading it? Someone is making you feel like a pile of Rudolph doo-doo? Are you being pummeled with a rack of snowball 'do gooder' stories from a narcissist, or false tales of devotion from someone who is a bully, liar, sadistic blowhard most of the rest of the year? After all who wants COAL from Santa? ROTFL
I laugh, but actually for thousands of people holidays can add to the depression and problems they have with family and friends - who are the ache in their heads because of personality oddities - all through the rest of the year. I did some googling and came up with this article, by Alyce Barry, which deals with the different strategies of the holidays. I hope you like it. I found it quite revealing.
Shadow Work® Seminars, Incorporated
Holiday Strategies We Know and (Don't) Love
Alyce Barry
The holidays seem to bring old, unresolved issues out of the woodwork. It's certainly true for me, and gathering by what I read and see on the news, it's pretty common.
To like myself during this challenging time of year, what helps me is to remember that an old, unresolved issue is, in fact, a strategy. Once upon a time, that strategy was the best one available to me. It served me well. Now, however, as an adult, my life is quite different, and the old strategy isn't working so well any more.
SHADOW AS STRATEGY
Let me give you an example. Let's say a father bullies his son. If the bullying happens repeatedly, the son learns that one way of being a father is to act like a bully. Does the son become a bully like his father, even if that means not giving others the respect they deserve? Or does he decide never, ever, to act like a bully, even if that means never fighting back and so not giving himself the respect he deserves?
In either case, he puts something into shadow — respect for others, or respect for himself. And in either case, he's choosing a strategy.
Maybe, in his family, becoming a bully is a good strategy. Maybe that makes him the bully's ally, where he's less likely to be victimized. Or maybe becoming the victim is a good strategy, if it gives him a feeling of righteousness and he feels justified asking for sympathy.
Whichever strategy he chooses, the son makes a decision. That decision remains in effect throughout the rest of his childhood and into his adult life. He probably doesn't even remember making such a decision. That's because being bullied by his father was painful, and a merciful part of him helps him forget. He comes to think of his strategy as "just the way I am." He can change the strategy, however, using Shadow Work or another form of healing. But he can only change it once he becomes aware of it.
STRATEGIES IN FOUR FLAVORS
Below are some common shadow strategies as they might appear during the holiday season. There are four categories, one for each of the four archetypes.
I've described each strategy by some of its typical behaviors. But keep in mind that every one of us can act in these ways from time to time. A behavior by itself doesn't necessarily indicate a shadow.
What indicates a shadow is having no conscious control over that behavior. If you want to act in one way and instead act in another -- if you "can't help yourself" -- then it's more likely that the behavior is revealing something you have in shadow.
THE SOVEREIGN STRATEGIES: GOD BLESS THEM, EVERY ONE
The Grandstander and the Shrinking Violet.
At the holidays, the Grandstander gives big, shiny gifts that say, "Aren't I wonderful for giving you this?" On New Year's Eve, the Grandstander is the show-off wearing the lampshade, doing just about anything to be the center of attention.
The Shrinking Violet, on the other hand, gives lots of helpful gifts that may strain the family budget. For the group gathering or school pageant, the Shrinking Violet works long hours behind the scenes and rarely gets back as much as he/she gives.
The Grandstander and Shrinking Violet strategies are responses to conditional love. People using these strategies came to believe that they aren't worthy of love the way they are, so they have to earn it. The Grandstander tries to earn love by being big and shiny and getting all the attention. The Shrinking Violet tries to earn it by being humble and staying small. At the holidays, both are trying to buy love with gifts, but in different ways. What the Grandstander and the Shrinking Violet really need is the blessing of unconditional love: to believe that they're okay exactly the way they are, that they don't have to earn love, that they deserve it just the way they are.
The Zealot and the Apathetic.
During the holidays, the Zealot is a perfectionist who buys exactly the right gifts, decorates perfectly with just the right tree, sends out just the right cards. For the Zealot, the holiday has to be "just so" because that means he/she has done well enough.
The Apathetic, on the other hand, is the family Scrooge or Grinch, who shops at the last minute, if at all. The Apathetic is a cynic about all things sentimental and enjoys raining, or should I say snowing, on everyone else's parade.
The Zealot and the Apathetic strategies are responses to neglect. People using these strategies came to believe that they didn't deserve to be taken care of. At the holidays, both are proving they care, but in different ways. The Zealot cares about everything being done perfectly. The Apathetic cares about his/her own needs to the exclusion of everyone else's; the motto is "looking out for number one." What the Zealot and the Apathetic really need is to be cared for regardless of what they do, to believe that they deserve to be cared for simply by being.
All strategies say something good about us. These Sovereign strategies say that we chose to believe in someone else — the one who loved us conditionally or neglected us — rather than believing in our own inherent worthiness and right to be taken care of.
THE LOVER STRATEGIES:
THE HOLIDAY DRAMA
The Traditionalist and the Wanton.
Over the holidays, the Traditionalist wants to do everything the same way it's been done before, even if the traditions have become empty. Thanksgiving sees the Traditionalist insisting that the stuffing be exactly the same, even if everyone else is ready for a change. The Traditionalist is the sibling most likely to lord their married status over their unmarried siblings.
The Wanton, on the other hand, finds any repetition boring. He/she wants something new, new, new, even if what happened last year worked really well. At the office Christmas party, it's the Wanton who's exploring the new by cheating on their spouse in the copy room. The Wanton is the one most likely to hear from the parents about "settling down with a nice boy/girl and getting married."
The Traditionalist and Wanton strategies are responses to a damaging relationship. People using these strategies were in a relationship with a loved one who acted in an inappropriate way. They came away believing that there's something wrong with how they love, so they try to prove they're loving people. The Traditionalist tries to prove it by clinging to relationships and tradition even if they're empty. The Wanton tries to prove it by loving many others, even if the encounters contain no genuine feeling. Both are "going through the motions," but in different ways. What the Traditionalist and the Wanton really need is to see what loving people they really are.
The Overwrought and the Stoic.
The Overwrought strategy is to go through the holidays not just a little sad or angry but REALLY sad or REALLY angry. The Overwrought is the one sobbing at the end of the Nutcracker, or raging because the poinsettias were sold out. The Overwrought is the one most likely to hit "holiday overwhelm" and go home from the holiday party sick.
The Stoic, on the other hand, keeps all feelings stuffed well below the surface. At the holiday gathering, the Stoic is the one least likely to react when the rest of the group is in hysterics, but most likely to seek out sentimental holiday programs where a little emoting is accepted.
The Overwrought and the Stoic strategies are responses to alienation. People using these strategies were alienated from a loved one and came to believe that there's something wrong with what they feel. The Overwrought compulsively expresses feelings in an attempt to get rid of them, while the Stoic stuffs them in an attempt to hide them. Both are alienated from their feelings, but in different ways. What the Overwrought and the Stoic really need is to reconnect with their innermost selves, where feelings are our most fundamental, human responses to life and are therefore incapable of error.
THE WARRIOR STRATEGIES:
I TOLD YOU TO DECK THOSE HALLS
The Bully and the Victim.
Over the holidays, the Bully is the one who's telling everyone what to do even if they're not listening. The Bully is the one most likely to commandeer the family celebration onto his/her own territory or make the children participate in activities they dislike.
The Victim, on the other hand, is the not-so-silent martyr who really wanted a different gift but will suffer along with this one. The Victim is the one most likely to indulge in passive-aggression, saying nothing while holiday arrangements are made and then holding the family hostage when his/her own dissatisfaction becomes evident.
The Bully and the Victim strategies are responses to intimidation. People using these strategies were consistently intimidated by those in authority. They came to believe that they're nobodies, so they try to prove they're somebody. The Bully tries to prove it by seizing or domiWhat the Bully and the Victim really need is a clear sense of personal identity that is acknowledged and honored.
The Hair-trigger and the Pushover.
The Hair-trigger is the one most likely to start a fight with a sibling at the family gathering, or an argument with the boss at the office party. The Hair-trigger compares everybody else's gifts with theirs to make sure there was no slight.
The Pushover, on the other hand, is the one most likely to act as mediator between warring family factions but will fail to get his/her own needs met in the process. The Pushover is the "doormat" who lets everyone else walk all over them but will eventually stop existing in some sense.
The Hair-trigger and the Pushover strategies are responses to invasion of boundaries. People using these strategies came to believe they had no right to protect themselves. They're compelled to differentiate, the Hair-trigger by picking fights, the Pushover by acting the role of the only person who takes no side. At the holidays, both are trying to "stick out," but in different ways. The Pushover is the one most likely to suffer from depression because it believes it has no right to defend itself against criticism, either internal or external. What the Hair-trigger and the Pushover really need is a clear line of defense that is respected.
What these Warrior strategies say about us is that we're willing to take on an identity defined by someone else — the one who intimidated us or invaded our boundaries — rather than to claim the identity we would naturally define from within ourselves.
THE MAGICIAN STRATEGIES:
HO HO HO
The Predator and the Prey.
The Predator is a trickster and a critic. The Predator is the one most likely to spike the holiday punch without telling anyone or crack a joke at the first sign of sentiment. The Predator is also the one most likely to ridicule someone in front of the holiday group.
The Prey, on the other hand, is the one most likely to fall for the trickster's pranks and be humiliated in front of everyone. The Prey can take the slightest comment as criticism but, unlike the Hair-trigger, will respond by withdrawing in fear rather than by fighting.
The Predator and Prey strategies are responses to abuse. People using these strategies came to believe that people, including themselves, are bad and can't be trusted, so they need to stay in control at all times. The Predator tries to stay in control by becoming an abuser, by siding with the "bad guys." The Prey tries to stay in control by trusting no one and by refusing to see that there's any of the "bad" energy within. Both will sabotage the holidays, in different ways. What the Predator and the Prey really need is to experience in a safe way the energy of control that's within all of us. It's an energy that isn't evil in itself, although it can be used in evil or unhealthy ways.
The Dogmatist and the Scatterbrain.
The Dogmatist is the one who wears mental blinders, for whom there is exactly one right way of doing anything, and one way to see the world. The Dogmatist is the one most likely to insist that the Christmas story be read from the King James version, and to act in a prejudiced way about religious celebrations.
The Scatterbrain, on the other hand, will consider so many options that he/she will become confused and fragmented. The Scatterbrain is the one most likely to feel stressed and "split out" when there are too many gift decisions to make or holiday occasions to attend.
The Dogmatist and Scatterbrain strategies are responses to narrow-mindedness. People using these strategies were told so often that they were wrong that they came to believe that they can't trust what they know. Both go on trying to understand life, but in different ways. The Dogmatist tries to understand by seeing just one "right" option. The Scatterbrain tries to understand by accumulating facts without focusing in a useful way on any of them. What the Dogmatist and the Scatterbrain really need is to trust their own inner knowing, their intuition, which can guide them regardless of what others say.
What these Magician strategies say about us is how trusting we humans really are. We're so trusting that we can be perpetrated on by people we love. We're so trusting that we'll let them tell us what to think, even when it disagrees with our own inner knowing.
HOW TO LIKE YOURSELF OVER THE HOLIDAYS
1. Any behavior you can't control is a strategy from long ago.
2. When you adopted that strategy, it was the best one available.
3. You adopted it in the midst of a personal crisis.
4. That's why you don't remember: mercifully, that painful memory didn't hang around.
5. The strategy used to serve you well. In fact, it may have been the only strategy that could have pulled you through that crisis.
6. The strategy has remained in place for years, probably without your knowledge.
7. If it's not working for you now, that's probably because your life is different now.
8. You may think of this strategy as "just the way you are." That's not true, however. The blessing of realizing it's a strategy is that it means you have a choice about it. You can choose a different strategy, one that works better in your life today.
9. The strategy wasn't your fault. Now that you're adult, however, no one but you can change it.
10. You're taking the first step toward changing strategies, by becoming aware of the ones you use.
Alyce Barry is a certified Shadow Work® group facilitator and coach, and a writer, based in Longmont, Colorado.
This will be the last posting here until after the holidays. I want to wish each and every reader a very healthy, happy season, and a most uplifting and rewarding 2007. In other words:
As you read this final segment of the article by Joanna M. Ashmun, keep in mind the blogs and comments you may have been reading that appear to come from those who seem to fit into many of the 'suits' tailored for Narcissists. Be especially aware of the commonality of the reactions by narcissists to Ms Ashmun's work, and the actions/reactions that continue from some people on the stream and in your life.
I hope this series has helped you, who are afflicted by an association with a narcissist, and those who look on in wonder as the controversies, which some confess they cannot get enough of, go on and on, to get some small idea of the Narcissists among us.
AFTERMATH
By Joanna M. Ashmun
Narcissists can and do control themselves when someone's good opinion is sought -- in front of a judge, for instance -- and are skilled at presenting a respectable, even admirable, public face; some are actually meek and mild in public. Most of us who've lived with narcissists have had the experience of being disbelieved when we dared to tell what goes on in private; in some ways, we can hardly believe it ourselves.
Life with a narcissist is like a bad dream that you can't wake up from. As a child, I used to be dazed by my narcissistic parent's public demeanor -- I wanted to take that person home with me or else live our entire family life in the protection of the public eye -- so attractive, modest, and sweet that even I could hardly believe that this same person could be the raging fiend I knew at home and had seriously thought, for a while when I was about ten, might be a werewolf. But truthful reports about narcissists' private behavior are often treated as symptoms of psychological problems in the person telling the tale -- by naming the problem, you become the person with the problem (and, let's face it, it's more gratifying to work on changing someone responsive than it is to tackle a narcissist). And I'm talking about the experience many of us have had with "the helping professions," including doctors, teachers, clergy, counselors, and therapists. This stuff is hard to talk about in the first place because it's weird, shameful, and horrifying, and then insult is added to injury when we're dismissed as overreacting (how many times have we heard "You're just too sensitive"?), deluded or malicious, as inventing stories, exaggerating, imagining things, misinterpreting -- it goes on and on.
The fact is that there is next to nothing anyone can do to modify a narcissist's behavior and the only useful advice I ever got (first from my non-narcissistic parent, later repeated by my Jungian analyst) was "Get out and stay out." But that's much more easily said than done. We're still members of families that have been damaged, corrupted and corroded by narcissists' pathology, and we can't totally remove ourselves from the narcissists' sphere of influence without also forsaking other family members and old friends. Parents sharing child-rearing or custody with narcissists, or who have narcissistic children, can't just get out and stay out.
Anyhow, these are chronic troubles that I haven't even attempted to address fully on these pages, because it's a horrible mess and I can hardly be coherent about it. Additionally, most of my narcissists are still living and, regardless of the hell they put their intimates through, as long as they keep their behavior out of the news, they're entitled to privacy. Besides, I still love them and have residual protective feelings. Mea culpa -- though my steadfast husband tells me that loving someone is never wrong.
I'm a writer and editor, and not a counselor or therapist, either by training or by temperament. This site is meant to be a first-aid station and a little oasis of validation for people who've had bad experiences with narcissists. My own concern has been with the effects narcissists have on the rest of us, and most of what I know is that it's not good to spend our lives with murder in our hearts. Having known narcissists of both sexes for my entire life, I'm kind of jaded, I guess, and my interest in theories about the causes of NPD has been exhausted; I have no ambition to "write the book" on NPD or compile a comprehensive review of the literature. Additionally, readers raised several relevant issues that I was in no way qualified to address. For these reasons, in March 1999, I set up a discussion list called "Aftermath".
I was still kind of uneasy about public discussion of troubles with narcissists, so I made Aftermath restricted and unlisted. Quite a few people (including me) have been stalked, harassed, defamed, or flamed by vindictive narcissists. Please remember that email is not secure and you can never be certain of privacy on the Net. If you have concerns about confidentiality, you might want to get an account with one of the many free Webmail providers and use an assumed name for posting.
I actually remember the story and TV movie excerpts below, used by Joanna M. Ashmun to clarify some of her concepts about Narcissistic Behavior and how it affects the lives of family and others around them. I think many folks over the age of 35 or so will remember it also (or at least the reruns) once you read a bit of it. I recall actually being chilled, a bit upset by those in the thrall of, and a lot angry at the character even then. Those were the days when I thought a Narcissist was just someone who primped and admired themself in the mirror most of their days! ROTFL
And now:
"It's A Good Life"
An artistic view of the world as ordered by a six-year-old is presented in the well-known short story, "It's A Good Life," by Jerome Bixby. This story was dramatized for television on "The Twilight Zone" in 1961, screenplay by Rod Serling, and a somewhat different version of the story was used in the film, "Twilight Zone," in 1983. Here's the story used on television:
Anthony Fremont is a six-year-old with extraordinary powers to control the little town where he lives by simply wishing away people and things that anger or bore him. He has isolated the town by banishing electricity and cars.
Other than his powerful wishing, Anthony has the mind and imagination of a typical little boy. He amuses himself with his special ability by giving a gopher three heads and then wishing the animal dead when the game becomes boring.
The people in Peaksville have to smile all the time, think happy thoughts, and say happy things, because that's what Anthony commands and, if they disobey, he can wish them into a cornfield or change them into grotesque versions of themselves. Anthony dislikes singing and punished Aunt Amy for thoughtlessly singing in his presence. Anthony asks his father why no children come to play with him. Mr. Fremont reminds Anthony that when the Fredericks boy came over, Anthony had wished the other boy away into the cornfield after they'd finished playing. He wishes a dog into the cornfield for barking.
Anthony's parents have invited several people to their house for a surprise birthday party for one of their friends, Dan Hollis. Anthony makes everyone watch what he, like lots of other little boys, wishes to see on television -- dinosaurs fighting. Dan Hollis's wife gives him a record for his birthday, but Anthony won't permit him to play it. Dan grumbles angrily and then begins singing "Happy Birthday." Anthony tries to intimidate Dan by staring at him. Dan suggests that Anthony should be distracted and then killed, but nobody moves to help Dan. Anthony points his finger at Dan and screams "You're a bad man! You're a very bad man!" and turns Dan into a jack-in-the-box and then sends him to the cornfield. Everyone turns away in horror except Anthony's father, who begs Anthony to wish him into the cornfield. Anthony complies.
A few minutes later, Anthony wishes for snow, though this will kill half the crops, not to mention those he's banished to the cornfield. The adults smile nervously and tell him that he's a good boy, hoping that Anthony's terrible power won't be turned upon themselves.
Comment: Substitute a big person for the arbitrarily vindictive little boy and this story also gives a general idea of how groups, including families, work when they are dominated by narcissists. But bear in mind that there's a necessary requirement for such a reign of terror to continue: the isolation of a captive audience.
One of the ways tyrannical narcissists isolate their captives is by telling them that they must keep secret what goes on inside or face dreadful punishment, because they're so special that no one outside the group is capable of understanding them -- and, of course, the longer members stay inside "Peaksville" the less likely they will be understood by outsiders, so isolated specialness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. For a real-life example, see the story of the Phelps family. Warning: This is a court record containing the complete text of a book manuscript, Addicted to Hate.
The 1983 film version of "It's a Good Life" was parodied in The Simpsons Episode 8F02, Halloween 1991, with Bart as the little terror. Jeremy Licht, the actor who played Anthony in the 1983 film, recalls:
"Our segment, 'It's A Good Life, was based on the Twilight Zone that Billy Mumy had originated brilliantly back when the original show was on the air. In that, he wished his family 'into the cornfields.' We updated that to my character, Anthony, wishing my Aunt Ethel, portrayed flawlessly by Nancy (voice of Bart Simpson) Cartwright, 'into cartoonland.'"
["It's A Good Life" appeared first in 1953 in Star Science Fiction Stories No. 2, an anthology edited by Frederik Pohl, and has been reprinted many times.]
Can we all see the dramas created by the narcissists among us here on the stream? Right off the top of my head I can think of both a male and a female that have tried to gain lasting attention by first 'starting' controversy in one spot, then when that conflageration turns cold, they attempt another area, but first they spend quite some time bewailing as to "why" can't I win this person over like I do everyone else? -- and finally threatening to "send you to the corn" if you don't leave me alone" (over a mess they started themself in the first place!
IMO, one needs to be blind to miss the self-aggrandizement, the self-portrayals and mouthings of 'goodness', 'intelligence' and even the inherent threat to others, by the oft repeated "You can't mess with a--(insert sex, religion, ethnicity, etc.)" The paragraphs go on and on, and are repeated almost verbatim in every new encounter. When threats don't work, then lies and personality changes come to the fore. It would be silly, if it wasn't so sad for them and bad for those around them. As we've seen here, the only way to counter is to IGNORE, DELETE, BLOCK. They just don't "get it".
("AFTERMATH", the final segment on this subject, to follow soon.)
Can you imagine how it would be to live in a family, where the parent is a narcissist, and one or more children have not fallen far from the tree? Or rather, daffodils from the same split bulb? ROTFL Belonging to social groups or internet writing groups that have at least one Narcissist, and worse, more than two is just as bad, IMO, except that you can walk away from or ignore those to whom you are not related---it's harder to do with Mommie Dearest or Super Spawn, of course. Think about it!
Meanwhile here is another dissertation on the Narcissist by Joanna Ashmun. This one deals with some facts about parents and children who are doomed to lifetimes of Narcissism.
"Now We Are Six"
Joanna M. Ashmun
[Apologies to A. A. Milne.]
Now We Are Six by A.A. Milne and E.H. Shepard
(Paperback - May 6, 2004)
If you had a narcissist for a parent, you lived in a world governed by whim enforced without mercy.
Narcissists have normal, even superior, intellectual development while remaining emotionally and morally immature. Dealing with them can give you the sense of trying to have a reasonable discussion with a very clever six-year-old -- this is an age when normal children are grandiose and exhibitionistic, when they are very resistant to taking the blame for their own misbehavior, when they understand what the rules are (e.g., that lying, cheating, and stealing are prohibited) but are still trying to wriggle out of accepting those rules for themselves. This is the year, by the way, when children were traditionally thought to reach the age of reason and when first communions (and first confessions) were made.
Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like a doll(keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed, walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when something more interesting comes along.
With narcissists, there's also usually a fair element of "playing doctor," as well -- of childish sexual curiosity that may find expression in "seductive" behavior towards the child, such as inappropriate touching of the genitals,.
It can also come out as "hypochondriacal" worries about the child's health and/or being most interested and attentive when the child is ill (thus teaching the child that the way to get Mother's kind attention is to get sick). Having a sick child can also be a way for the narcissistic mother to get the sympathetic attention of authority figures, such as doctors and teachers.
Selected Characteristics of Normal Six-Year-Olds
[Based on "Your Six-Year-Old",
by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg.]
The items below are not intended to be a comprehensive description of six-year-olds, but only the selected bits that seem to be related to adult narcissists' traits discussed elsewhere [and, yes, I really did compile the traits list weeks before finding this little book].
Besides being difficult and bewildering, six-year-olds are also wonderfully warm and enthusiastic, fine companions, active, curious, intellectually ambitious, philosophically speculative, very interested in the world and how it works, fond of novelty and amusement -- games, music, stories, outings, adventures.
My interest here is in pointing out that many of the narcissistic characteristics that are abnormal in adults are completely normal at six years of age and that the survival of these childish characteristics into adulthood is, essentially, immaturity rather than bad intentions.
But bear in mind that, while everyone who grows up passes through this stage of development, most of us spend only a few months this way before moving on to more integrated behavior. Narcissists, on the other hand, apparently spend the rest of their lives in this state of highly volatile ambivalence and uncertainty. I don't mean to play down, in any way, the very bad effects adult narcissists have on their own children, but, for those who've survived being raised by narcissists, it may give a different way of looking at family history. [See "It's A Good Life" for one person's idea of what it would be like if a six-year-old ran the world -- and, I'll add, what life may seem like to a six-year-old with a narcissist for a parent.]
It has also bothered me that the little clinical literature I've found is quite hostile to narcissists; I certainly know that they can be utterly impossible, but the truth remains that the narcissists I've known were genuinely lovable about half the time -- the problem being that they want to be treated as "special" in ways that they just ain't special and will hate you for loving them for what they regard as the wrong reasons (though most of the rest of us are far less demanding and are simply pleased when attractive, decent people love us for any reason, special or not).
On SIX:
"Six can, oh so often, be expansive and out-of-bounds, contrary, violent, hard...to live with."(p. 4)
"Your typical Six-year-old is a paradoxical little person, and bipolarity is the name of the game. Whatever he does, he does the opposite just as readily. In fact, sometimes the choice of some certain object or course of action immediately triggers an overpowering need for its opposite." (p. 1, the first paragraph of the book) [Emphasis in original]
"Six's reversals are truly something to be reckoned with." (p. 2)
"I love you" rapidly changes to "I hate you." (p. 2, 6)
Stubborn and can't make up mind (p. 2)
"The child is now the center of his own universe." (p. 2, 15) [Emphasis in original]
delighted by any silly thing that calls attention to himself; may do silly, show-offy things to call attention to himself when he feels neglected or shut out (pp. 71-72)
arrogant (p. 7)
self-important ("extremely aware of the importance of being Six") (p. 22)
demands rather than asks (twice on p. 6, 16)
thinks own way is always right (p. 7)
once started, will stick to a course of bad behavior or bad judgment regardless of the inevitability of being punished for it (p. 7)
asks to be flattered and praised as "good," even ("rather sadly and touchingly") following his worst behavior (p. 6)
can't accept criticism (p. 7)
feelings are hurt over very small criticisms, comments, failures (p. 6)
"He is so extremely anxious to do well, to be the best, to be loved and praised, that any failure is very hard for him." (p. 6)
wants to win every time (p. 4, 21, 45)
poor sport, can't stand to lose (p. 7, 16)
argumentative and quarrelsome (p. 21)
defiant, pert, fresh, snippy (p. 6, 17)
competitive, combative (p. 20)
belligerent, verbally and physically aggressive (p. 21)
violent temper tantrums may require physical restraint because of striking out (p. 29)
jealous, envious (p. 7, 21)
to make sure of winning, will cheat or make up own rules (pp. 21-22, 45)
complains that others are cheating and not following the rules (p. 45)
some are very cruel to younger children (p. 22)
does not always tell the truth (p. 16)
will not admit to wrongdoing (p. 41) [Note: A technique is given for getting the facts out of kids that also works with narcissists: instead of asking if they did it, ask how they did it.]
goodness means the things explicitly required or allowed by parents or other authority figures; badness means the things explicitly disapproved of or forbidden (p. 66)
little forgiveness (p. 22)
very critical of others' conduct (p. 22)
expects friendships to be resumed immediately following tremendous complaint and conflict (p. 22)
wants to boss (p. 21)
"Many children think their father knows everything -- even what goes on at home while he is at work."(p. 16)
thinks his teacher knows the best and only right way of doing things; may not know which rules to follow when school rules differ from home rules (p. 18)
"highly undifferentiated -- everything is everywhere" (p. 7)
can't always tell the difference between "yours" and "mine," and so often steals (pp. 39-41)
"random and unconstructive expenditure of energy" (p. 31)
more interested in merely handling or using tools than in what is accomplished with them (pp. 53-54)
less interested in actual final products than in whatever he may be doing at the moment(p. 56)
"Sixes love to dress up and pretend they are somebody else...." (p. 49)
